My Frozen Lake

My blog has been open for one year.  I've barely touched it and when I have it's been a chore trying to find my way back to writing again so I've let it sit.

For me, 2013 was a difficult year in many ways and struggle was the main theme of the year.  I haven't wanted to write about it time and time again as most people look to blogs for some lighthearted fun or an escape and I have had none to offer.  So my blog has sat untended.

Until recently I had an ephiphany, right before New Year's and I knew in my heart everything would be okay in the end.  Call it an answer to a year's long prayer as I do or call it intuition but the fog that has surrounded me has started to lift.  And I realized it's time for me to take action and I've decided to start writing again.

God speaks in mysterious ways and for me it was an NCIS Los Angeles episode entitled "The Frozen Lake."  I've been a fan of the show since it started but lately the growing relationship between the two agents, Kensie and Deeks, has been the most enjoyable part of the show.  

One night, they leave dinner together and we are left to imagine what happens.  Not so unique in itself as a story line but the dialog in the next episode to me was so profound.

So I quote the dialog from "NCIS Los Angeles, the episode "The Frozen Lake."

"I'm standing on my frozen lake. …Your frozen lake is the name for what you want the most in the world and you want it, you want it so bad that you'll do anything to get it. And your heart takes over. But because of that, it destroys you in the end. It's right there, just sitting in the middle of this frozen lake, and you think you're fast enough to go out and grab it before the ice cracks." – Kensi

"And what you don't realize is you're already standing on the ice and it's falling apart around you." – Deeks

I heard those words and immediately wish I had thought of them for that has been my life in 2013.  I crossed that frozen lake fast enough to grab what I wanted most in the world and then I found myself with the ice cracking around me and wondering how I make it back to safety.

I will not explain more nor will I dwell on 2013 because I'm certain without a doubt that everything will be okay.  

It's faith that pushes me forward, faith that ensures I don't give up and faith that lights my way.

I'm sitting on the ice in the middle of a frozen lake and it's cracking all around me but I see in the distance help is on the way and I am at peace.

May your 2014 be filled with moments of joy as you continue on your journey.

On A Christmas Eve...

Christmas Eve night - it's bitterly cold.  And it's clear. The night is lit by thousands of shimmering stars and my path to the barn is illuminated.  No need for a flashlight.  Darkness doesn't exist in this starlit sky.

Oh, it's cold.  So frozen the boards to the deck crack under my weight.  The snapping of the boards make me think of all the children with their faces pressed to frosted windowpanes hoping for a glimpse of Santa and his sleigh while harried parents busily wrap presents and assemble toys.

Days of anticipation for so many culminating in this one frigid night.

In the barn, the horses are resting in their stalls.  I can hear them munching on hay and for a while, I get lost in the sound of them chewing.  It's a relaxing sound; rhythmic, pleasing, soothing. I could sit for hours just listening to them chew hay.

Reluctantly, I switch on the lights and the atmosphere changes.  Nickers from all around me.  Anticipation of what is to come.

I switch on the radio to my favorite Christmas carol channel.  Not the new ones that are so sanitized but a station playing the older favorites.  I sing along "Joy to The World The Lord Is Come" and my spirits soar.  Earth preparing to receive The King.

I start to fill small feed buckets with warm water and begin to mix in their special mash.  Soon the aroma of peppermints fills the air.  I go from stall to stall lingering with each horse, talking to them, petting them and feeding them their mash.  My heart is soothed from the friendship I share with my horses.  They ask nothing from me yet they give me so much in return.

I turn off the lights, let the music continue playing.  The barn is awash in starlight.  Contented horses sigh.

I have nothing philosophical to share.  No witty analogies.

I can only tell you that on a Christmas Eve, oh so cold, where stars magically light up the sky, darkness doesn't exist.

Merry Christmas to you.  May you find joy in the simple pleasures in life and may faith always guide you on your darkest nights.

Starting Again

Fall surely was fleeting this year and winter arrived early.  Temperatures have been below zero nightly and snow surrounds us.

Lots of things have been happening on the farm.  Another foal was born; a beautiful cremello filly with sparkling blue eyes.  Born in October, I've named her Bewitched by Autumn Mist.

And I've started hiking with the pigs.  Yes, pigs.  I've found they like to travel at a slower pace which suits me just fine at the moment.  But when they know we're headed back home, they make a beeline for their dinner dishes.

I've enjoyed watching the foals turn into young fillies and I'm always photographing them.

One day, my teeny, tiny little girl found a dog door and a new game was discovered.

Dawn has been particularly lovely these frozen days.

And while the scenery is enchanting and the animals are delightful, I have been struggling.  And when every task seems insurmountable, it's easier to become more depressed so I started making lists to get myself moving again and at the top of my list is:  Give Thanks.  And for a while, I only managed to succeed at doing that one thing on my to do list but that one thing for me was critical.  It's changed my perspective and helped me find focus again.  Prayerful thanks at the beginning of each morning.

On my list has been to start writing again.  Weeks have passed and that item still remains so today I'm picking up my blog again and going to start writing.  I'm out of practice and the words don't come easily.  I have no idea yet the direction I'll take or where my words will lead me.  I only know it's something I need to do.

So until the words flow freely, I shall share with you pictures of this frozen paradise I call home.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and I'm so glad to have you here!

On A Quintessential Vermont Fall Day...

It's fall; a brilliant day, a brisk wind blowing.  Temperatures are dropping tonight and a chilling rain is expected tomorrow.  A quintessential Vermont fall day where the trees are bathed in light for one glorious moment in time.  All of us who live here know change is on the way.  Our mittens are ready, hot chocolate in the cupboard and wood stocked in piles for the long winter ahead.  But not yet.

And on this brilliant day, I sit inside; making lists, trying to make decisions, making one decision and then immediately changing my mind and making another.  And just as the leaves are falling past my window signaling change is upon us so I know change is coming to my life.  What that change will be exactly I still don't know.

I struggle.

The phone rings.  My brother is calling.  "Sounds as though you have a lot of drama in your life." he says.

"Yes, drama, that's correct." I say, I who am adverse to conflict and change of any kind.

"I feel sorry for you." he says.

"Thank you.  I feel sorry for myself." and I feel the tears which are always present now start to fall again.  My face is lined and weary from the tears that fall these days.

"You could leave but the horses keep you stuck." he says.

"Yes, they do.  They keep me stuck.  But they make me happy." And they do.

"You're paying a high price for them."

"Yes, I know." and it's true.  Without the horses, I dream I'd be on a Greek Isle or perhaps I'd be in the South Pacific sitting in an azure ocean letting warm water wash my cares away.

Without the horses, I'd be far away and have oh, so different a life.

But... I have the horses.

I hang up the phone and head out to the pasture on this quintessential Vermont fall day.  As soon as they see me, my four legged friends surround me sniffing my pockets, hoping for a treat.  "Nothing right now girls." and I head up to the top of the pasture to survey the world.  They follow behind.  My pack.  My posse.  My BFFs.  These four legged creatures that keep  me stuck and that I adore.

Up at the top of the pasture; orange and gold surround me and a hint of the red that will soon make its presence known.  It's the kind of beauty that is so fleeting and I think about how fortunate I am to live here on this beautiful Vermont farm on this quintessential fall day.

I think back to my childhood as those who are approaching their senior years tend to do.  My first word as a child wasn't Mama or Dada.  It was horse.  And as soon as I could toddle, I was sitting on the back of a horse and I knew I'd found my home.

And almost as quickly as I discovered horses, I discovered Vermont on a family vacation.  To a young horse crazy girl, Vermont was better than the Magic Kingdom.  Everywhere were farms and horses and from that day forward in my young life, when anyone would ask me what my plans were for my future, I'd say "I'm going to grow up and live on a farm in Vermont and have horses."

And my dream, though deferred, finally came true in my 50s.  I found my home on my Vermont farm and the horses soon followed.  My dream had come true.

But what happens when one person changes, when one person no longer wants the life you have and love and wants something more, something different and expects you to follow along?

I can tell you your heart can break with decisions.

I pray a lot these days.  I pray and then make lists and then I pray some more.

In the pasture with my beloved horses, I search for answers.

I'm not ready to leave.

My dream has come true and I'm living on a farm in Vermont on this quintessential fall day and for a moment, the world is ablaze with color.

And I lie on the ground and look up at the glistening blue sky searching for answers and while I cry, the breathing of my horses who are always by my side comforts me.  For a moment, once again, all is well.

A Fall Day

Yesterday, our local headlines blared "Freeze Warning."  The end of warm weather comes early in Northern Vermont.  And as the shadows lengthened and daylight faded, the air took on a definite chill.  While the wood stove blazed, warming the chilly corners of the house, I headed to my storage trunk and unpacked my fleece sheets and winter down comforter.  And when bedtime came, I opened my window and climbed into my cozy bed only to find my whippets already snuggled under the quilts; my very own little bed warmers.

The room was bathed in moonlight from an almost full moon and as I gazed out on the forest around me and listened to the coyotes sing their lonely night time song, the lyrics to "Golden Slumbers" by the Beatles fill my head, "Once there was a way to get back homeward, once there was a way to get back home.  Sleep pretty darling do not cry and I will sing a lullaby."  I fall asleep and don't waken again.

Dawn and the world is a frozen, crystal paradise - so beautiful in it's icy simplicity.  I let the horses out of the barn and watch them frolic energized by the clear air - no bugs to bother them, no fly spray necessary.  Yes, for the first time since last spring, there is ice on the water bucket.  Winter won't be far behind.

But not yet.  It's a beautiful day.  The sun is shining and it's just the day for a hike in the woods.  I decide to take my beloved jennet, Bella, as my companion.  Now I love hiking with the horses but they have a decidedly different energy.  Always curious, anxious to trot, to jump obstacles and always wondering when we are headed back to the barn, my horses are a delight but hiking with a donkey is like hiking with your best friend; no need to hurry, time for relaxation and observation along the way and plenty of time to meander and enjoy each other's company.  Yes, Bella would be my companion.

I've been so sad lately, so ill at ease in my own skin but as I head into the woods with the beginnings of fall encircling me, I can feel my sadness drop away.  There, the leaves are turning.

Here, there are branches newly fallen from a storm the other night.

We stop at an apple tree and we each have a snack.  I listen to Bella crunching her apple.  She licks her lips with her big donkey tongue savoring the tangy juice.  She's content and so am I.

I stop to take pictures.  Bella snacks on grasses.  It's a companionable silence we enjoy.

Time to head home.  We would both like to linger but there are chores waiting.

I marvel at the smallest of things - a forgotten bird's nest in a tree, the way the pasture hill rises to meet the sky, leaves starting to turn crimson.

I let Bella back out in the pasture and right away she starts calling for her friends, loud brays, and they come running.  She's embraced again by her herd.

Fall, in Vermont, a special time, when for a brief moment everything feels possible again.

A Commercial Break - Scentsy Charitable Cause Warmer

I've been a Scentsy consultant for a few years now and although I don't use my blog to promote sales and hold my readers hostage to commercials, I'm making an exception this time.  For the Fall season, Scentsy has elected to make a charitable warmer that supports veterans.  The name of the warmer is "Service and Sacrifice" and the charity supported is The Mission Continues.  The Mission Continues Empowers post 9/11 veterans to transition from the military to leadership positions in their communities at home.  

For each warmer purchased, Scentsy will donate $8.00.

As a military wife for 30 years, I believe in and support charities that support our men and women in uniform and veterans.  I have special incentives to purchase this warmer but I'm not allowed to post them on my blog so please leave a comment if you are interested.

Here's a photo of the warmer.

You can read more about the warmer by going to my Scentsy website.  Just click HERE.

God bless our men and women in uniform and our veterans.

Have a wonderful week and thanks for visiting.

Hogs Gone Wild

Have you ever browsed tv channels and something caught your eye?  That's what happened to me last year.  The show was on the Discovery Channel and the title was "Hogs Gone Wild."  Right before my eyes, I saw pigs swarming property, attacking humans and destroying everything in their path.  The show entirely changed what I thought about pigs.

I've been interested in adding pigs to the farm for years.  I did my research (or so I thought) and I decided on Red Wattle Hogs.  Red Wattles used to populate many of our farms years ago but they fell by the wayside as factory farming came into existence and the emphasis changed from family farm to large scale food production.  There's been a resurgence of Red Wattles lately and after learning more about them, they sounded just right for my farm but that was until I saw Hogs Gone Wild.

Pigs are wonderful but they have one thing on their mind - eating.  And in their frenzy to eat they can become quite excited.  Red Wattles weigh in at 1,000 pounds.  Hmm, a 1,000 pound eating machine?  Not for me.  Especially after hearing true stories of people killed by pigs at feeding time.

I decided to remain pigless.  I saw photos of adorable teacup pigs who shared homes with their people but I really was looking for farm animals and the idea of sharing space with a pig just wasn't that appealing to me.

I started seeing posts on Facebook (where else?) about Kune Kune pigs.  Supposedly they were very friendly and didn't look intimidating at all.  I did lots of research and discovered they mature at around 150 pounds or less and they were bred to graze on pasture.  I knew I didn't want a boar or a gilt (female pig) and probably wouldn't have found them anyway as KuneKune pigs are snapped up like hot cakes.  But I did finally find two neutered KuneKune pigs (called barrows) who I named Wilboar and Festus.  They were tiny at first and it was winter here so I housed them in the barn where they quickly discovered my hay.

And just as it was when the geese arrived, I was intimidated by these piglets at first.  Visions of marauding pigs floated through my head as I approached these tiny creatures cautiously.  I learned more about pigs those first few days.  First, they SQUEAL.  When they are excited, they squeal.  When they are scared, they squeal.  Even such tiny pigs can make ear splitting sounds.  And they smell.  Yes, they do.  They have a distinctive odor unlike any I've smelled.  And even with two tiny piglets, you need to be vigilant in clean up or suffer the consequences.

I introduced them slowly to the horses.

And everyone got along just fine.  Finally, it was warm enough to move them outside. And that's when the real fun began.  I learned pigs love wading pools.

And they develop bonds with each other.

It wasn't long before I was so smitten with these Kunes, I wanted more so I added another barrow, Lorenzo.

And then my fourth and final barrow named Calvin Houdini.

Calvin Houdini is not as innocent as he appears.  He knows how to climb and open gate latches and it's been hard staying one step ahead of him.

I spend time with my pigs every day.  Sometimes we play dress up.

But most of the time, we just hang out.  I'll sit with them and they will plop down right on my feet.  I'll tickle their bellies and they'll grunt with pleasure and fall fast asleep.

I've learned how friendly pigs can be, how smart they are and how easy they are to train but now and then when I carry their bucket filled with food into their pasture and they swarm around me squealing with delight, I can't help thing of Hogs Gone Wild!

Moving Forward

Greetings again!  Here, summer is already merging into fall as the temperatures drop into the 40s at night.  It's been an amazing summer in so many ways.  Two new foals have been born, both little fillies, and now four incredible KuneKune pigs have joined my life but in other ways it has been a winter, spring and summer of hardship and learning.

Growing up did you ever hear the phrase "God Helps Those Who Help Themselves?"  My Mother would say this constantly if I wanted something or started whining.  This phrase is ingrained into my psyche but as I slid into a bleak depression this winter, I totally forgot about action.  I've been faced with many life changing obstacles and for someone who can't stand change, I've been overwhelmed and in despair.  "What to do?" has been the main theme humming in my brain as I've gone about my chores and worked with my animals and lost myself for hours watching my Facebook feed.  But the answers have eluded me and I would jump from one thought to the other in a never ending, self defeating circle.  Every day, multiple times a day, I prayed but I think I was expecting God to answer my prayers by changing my life without me ever having to do anything.

Life is hard and difficult choices have to be made.  There's no easy way out except to walk through that pain and push on to the other side.  And I've realized without hope and enthusiasm and a joy of life, I'll never keep digging that pit of despair deeper and I won't be able to climb out.

I'm putting my thoughts into action.  One tiny step at a time.  God has given me all the answers and support I need and now I need to help myself with Him at my side.

I'm going to start writing again.  I know at first it will feel awkward but that's okay.  I have to start again somewhere.

I will cherish what I have at this moment and not worry about what I may lose tomorrow or what struggles are in my future.  Here and now, I will act.

I want to add that depression is a serious medical condition and if you feel you need help, please seek it out.  I have had the guidance of a therapist (no, I'm not ashamed to admit it) and wonderful friends who have been there to listen.

And to leave you on a positive note, I'll share a picture of one of the horses in my pasture.  As always, thanks for visiting me.

An Absence of Action

I'd love to be writing humorous posts filled with uplifting thoughts and I will be soon but I have a lot of serious issues on my mind and although I am at peace when I'm outside with the horses or my beloved dogs, I still have a decision to make that is weighing me down.  What that decision is doesn't really matter.  At times, we are all faced with personal decisions that are momentous in our lives.  And as the fog permeates the photo above, so has a fog of inaction descended on my life.

Back and forth I've gone all winter; not really doing anything.  Then I started taking baby steps towards my goal.  But I haven't gone any farther.  I'm afraid to take those final steps.

And I realized the other day as I basked in the sun at the top of the pasture, looking out over the mountains that are so dear to my heart, that taking no action is really an action in itself.  Not to act maintains the status quo.  And I have an aversion to change.  But sometimes change is a necessary part of life.  Just because change is difficult doesn't mean it isn't warranted.

I've spent hours in prayer asking for guidance.

I know what needs to be done.

But I don't act.

Today I pray for the courage to follow through.

With A Little Help From My Friend

I haven't felt like writing in a long time.  Although I detest using the word overwhelmed that is exactly what I've been.  Every day has brought new challenges and disappointments and while I've struggled, the weather has been anything but pleasant.  Day after day of unrelenting gray skies, freezing temperatures and wind have made me wonder if the sun would ever shine again.

There's been a lot of activity on the farm.  I've added pigs.  Two Kune Kune pet (neutered) barrows.

They are amazing creatures who have brought me much joy during these dark days.

And we have a new foal; a black filly born on my sister's birthday.

I've been spending hours watching her explore her world.  To witness her birth and to watch her progress every day has been an experience I shall always cherish.

But I'm struggling.  I feel old.  I ache and I'm tired.  One day, after doing barn chores and finding myself in excruciating pain, I actually researched retirement communities.  I envisioned myself soaking in the pool, having lunch with the ladies and living a civilized, old lady kind of life.

But the moment passed....quickly.  I can't imagine ever living anywhere but out in the country surrounded by nature and the animals I love.

And if you've ever been in a cycle where every day brings new problems and challenges, you'll understand how hard it is to keep pushing yourself.  It's easier to just lie on the couch with the television droning on and allowing yourself to sink further into inertia.

Then just when your problems seem insurmountable; as if one more thing going wrong will topple your fragile self, a ray of hope appears.

For me, it was our first warm day.  The sun was shining, no wind was blowing and for once I didn't have to be shrouded in winter apparel.  I went high on the hill to the top of the pasture and sat facing the mountains glistening in the sun.

Soon, my donkey, Jacob, came to visit me and he sat down right beside me, just like a dog would sit beside you.  I put my arms around him and had a good cry and then we sat quietly.  I don't know what he was thinking but he must have known I needed a friend.  And I was thinking that once again prayers are always answered.

I can't same I'm totally okay again.  But I'm better.  And I have hope.  And I shall climb out of the pit of despair.  With a little help from my friends.

In The Pasture...

I'm aching these days.  My body has crossed some invisible line of aging and my arthritic joints creak.  Oh,, and there's no sunshine.  Day after day of drabness comprises winter this year.  Until yesterday.  The sun decided to make a rare appearance and stay for the day and I decided it was time to find solace where I always do; in the pasture.

I climbed to the top of the hill not expecting to have any company.  The horses never travel far from the barn during winter.  I sat in the snow, gazed out over the beautiful mountains.  Lost in thought.  Alone but not for long.

Two of my mares decided to join me.

And it wasn't long before the rest followed and what happened then filled my heart with joy.  The girls decided to engage in a game of chase, running, kicking, twirling before ending up back at me.  It was as if I were home base in a game of tag.

I've decided I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.  My hope is that if your spirits are low and you are burdened, you will be able to lose yourself for just one moment in the joy of the mares as they play on a beautiful Vermont day.

We're all done playing and it's time for evening chores but the experience I've had this afternoon will stay with me forever.  Yes, I ache and yes, I'm aging.  But I promise myself to never close my eyes to the beauty that surrounds me and the joy in the simple things.

Thank you for joining my Horses In The Pasture on a beautiful winter day.

My Senior Manifesto

I admit it.  I'm older.  Headed to 60 soon and my dearly beloved is now eligible for social security.  Most people consider us old.

And yes, I had a wake up call the other evening.  I was sitting in my favorite chair, legs propped up.  Time to go to bed.  I start to rise and oh, no, I can't.  My joints had locked, specifically my hip bones did not want to  attach correctly to my legs and I was immobilized for a few seconds.  Wow, that was a sure sign my arthritis is starting to catch up with me.  Note to self:  Need to concentrate more on stretching.

Older bodies need more care.  We have to be proactive about exercise and our eating and assessing our health.

BUT being older does not mean telling yourself you can't do the things you'd like to do.

I have horses.  I spend my days mucking stalls, pitching hay, hauling water buckets and attending to their needs.  At night, I have no trouble sleeping because I'm exhausted and yes, my bones ache.  But it's a good, satisfied tired; knowing I've spent the day pursuing an interest I love.

I see so many posts lately from people saying they aren't going to continue with a hobby they love because they are too old.  Huh?  You're never too old and playing that negative message in your head only reinforces your body to believe you're old.

Instead, I'd like to see us say, "I choose to no longer do...."

Age is the final frontier.  Many people see us differently, treat us differently and think we are of no consequence because we are old.  That's just not true.

One of my favorite books, "And Ladies of The Club," was a first book written by a woman (Helen Hooven Santmyer) when she was in her 80s and what an epic book it is!

There are those of us who are suffering from serious illnesses who might not be able to pursue certain physical activities but that doesn't mean they can't find their passion for living in other things.

Age IS just a number and I truly believe you are only as old as you allow yourself to think you are.

This quote from Mark Frost should be our senior motto:

"“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body. But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up,totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming .... WOW what a ride.”

Time for me to get up.  I shall rise slowly, hear those hips creak, rock gently back and forth to get them into place and then head out to spend time with the horses I adore.

Endings And Beginnings...

Red Pine Mountain is no more.  Oh, it's been struggling and dying a slow death.  The blog sat ignored for months and then when I restarted it, nothing felt quite right.  I made the decision not to cling to the past and to see where my new journey leads me.  And while the personas of Mountain Man and Mountain Woman are no longer, we are all still very much here.

I used to fight change.  I'd cling to sameness with a tenacity of a pit bull.  Now I'm older and wiser.  Now I know that sometimes I have to take stock and jettison what doesn't work.

All I know is life is not an end run to a final destination.  It's a journey with lots of by roads along the way.  Don't be afraid to jump off the main highway and explore.