On A Quintessential Vermont Fall Day...

It's fall; a brilliant day, a brisk wind blowing.  Temperatures are dropping tonight and a chilling rain is expected tomorrow.  A quintessential Vermont fall day where the trees are bathed in light for one glorious moment in time.  All of us who live here know change is on the way.  Our mittens are ready, hot chocolate in the cupboard and wood stocked in piles for the long winter ahead.  But not yet.

And on this brilliant day, I sit inside; making lists, trying to make decisions, making one decision and then immediately changing my mind and making another.  And just as the leaves are falling past my window signaling change is upon us so I know change is coming to my life.  What that change will be exactly I still don't know.

I struggle.

The phone rings.  My brother is calling.  "Sounds as though you have a lot of drama in your life." he says.

"Yes, drama, that's correct." I say, I who am adverse to conflict and change of any kind.

"I feel sorry for you." he says.

"Thank you.  I feel sorry for myself." and I feel the tears which are always present now start to fall again.  My face is lined and weary from the tears that fall these days.

"You could leave but the horses keep you stuck." he says.

"Yes, they do.  They keep me stuck.  But they make me happy." And they do.

"You're paying a high price for them."

"Yes, I know." and it's true.  Without the horses, I dream I'd be on a Greek Isle or perhaps I'd be in the South Pacific sitting in an azure ocean letting warm water wash my cares away.

Without the horses, I'd be far away and have oh, so different a life.

But... I have the horses.

I hang up the phone and head out to the pasture on this quintessential Vermont fall day.  As soon as they see me, my four legged friends surround me sniffing my pockets, hoping for a treat.  "Nothing right now girls." and I head up to the top of the pasture to survey the world.  They follow behind.  My pack.  My posse.  My BFFs.  These four legged creatures that keep  me stuck and that I adore.

Up at the top of the pasture; orange and gold surround me and a hint of the red that will soon make its presence known.  It's the kind of beauty that is so fleeting and I think about how fortunate I am to live here on this beautiful Vermont farm on this quintessential fall day.

I think back to my childhood as those who are approaching their senior years tend to do.  My first word as a child wasn't Mama or Dada.  It was horse.  And as soon as I could toddle, I was sitting on the back of a horse and I knew I'd found my home.

And almost as quickly as I discovered horses, I discovered Vermont on a family vacation.  To a young horse crazy girl, Vermont was better than the Magic Kingdom.  Everywhere were farms and horses and from that day forward in my young life, when anyone would ask me what my plans were for my future, I'd say "I'm going to grow up and live on a farm in Vermont and have horses."

And my dream, though deferred, finally came true in my 50s.  I found my home on my Vermont farm and the horses soon followed.  My dream had come true.

But what happens when one person changes, when one person no longer wants the life you have and love and wants something more, something different and expects you to follow along?

I can tell you your heart can break with decisions.

I pray a lot these days.  I pray and then make lists and then I pray some more.

In the pasture with my beloved horses, I search for answers.

I'm not ready to leave.

My dream has come true and I'm living on a farm in Vermont on this quintessential fall day and for a moment, the world is ablaze with color.

And I lie on the ground and look up at the glistening blue sky searching for answers and while I cry, the breathing of my horses who are always by my side comforts me.  For a moment, once again, all is well.