My Frozen Lake

My blog has been open for one year.  I've barely touched it and when I have it's been a chore trying to find my way back to writing again so I've let it sit.

For me, 2013 was a difficult year in many ways and struggle was the main theme of the year.  I haven't wanted to write about it time and time again as most people look to blogs for some lighthearted fun or an escape and I have had none to offer.  So my blog has sat untended.

Until recently I had an ephiphany, right before New Year's and I knew in my heart everything would be okay in the end.  Call it an answer to a year's long prayer as I do or call it intuition but the fog that has surrounded me has started to lift.  And I realized it's time for me to take action and I've decided to start writing again.

God speaks in mysterious ways and for me it was an NCIS Los Angeles episode entitled "The Frozen Lake."  I've been a fan of the show since it started but lately the growing relationship between the two agents, Kensie and Deeks, has been the most enjoyable part of the show.  

One night, they leave dinner together and we are left to imagine what happens.  Not so unique in itself as a story line but the dialog in the next episode to me was so profound.

So I quote the dialog from "NCIS Los Angeles, the episode "The Frozen Lake."

"I'm standing on my frozen lake. …Your frozen lake is the name for what you want the most in the world and you want it, you want it so bad that you'll do anything to get it. And your heart takes over. But because of that, it destroys you in the end. It's right there, just sitting in the middle of this frozen lake, and you think you're fast enough to go out and grab it before the ice cracks." – Kensi

"And what you don't realize is you're already standing on the ice and it's falling apart around you." – Deeks

I heard those words and immediately wish I had thought of them for that has been my life in 2013.  I crossed that frozen lake fast enough to grab what I wanted most in the world and then I found myself with the ice cracking around me and wondering how I make it back to safety.

I will not explain more nor will I dwell on 2013 because I'm certain without a doubt that everything will be okay.  

It's faith that pushes me forward, faith that ensures I don't give up and faith that lights my way.

I'm sitting on the ice in the middle of a frozen lake and it's cracking all around me but I see in the distance help is on the way and I am at peace.

May your 2014 be filled with moments of joy as you continue on your journey.

Starting Again

Fall surely was fleeting this year and winter arrived early.  Temperatures have been below zero nightly and snow surrounds us.

Lots of things have been happening on the farm.  Another foal was born; a beautiful cremello filly with sparkling blue eyes.  Born in October, I've named her Bewitched by Autumn Mist.

And I've started hiking with the pigs.  Yes, pigs.  I've found they like to travel at a slower pace which suits me just fine at the moment.  But when they know we're headed back home, they make a beeline for their dinner dishes.

I've enjoyed watching the foals turn into young fillies and I'm always photographing them.

One day, my teeny, tiny little girl found a dog door and a new game was discovered.

Dawn has been particularly lovely these frozen days.

And while the scenery is enchanting and the animals are delightful, I have been struggling.  And when every task seems insurmountable, it's easier to become more depressed so I started making lists to get myself moving again and at the top of my list is:  Give Thanks.  And for a while, I only managed to succeed at doing that one thing on my to do list but that one thing for me was critical.  It's changed my perspective and helped me find focus again.  Prayerful thanks at the beginning of each morning.

On my list has been to start writing again.  Weeks have passed and that item still remains so today I'm picking up my blog again and going to start writing.  I'm out of practice and the words don't come easily.  I have no idea yet the direction I'll take or where my words will lead me.  I only know it's something I need to do.

So until the words flow freely, I shall share with you pictures of this frozen paradise I call home.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and I'm so glad to have you here!

On A Quintessential Vermont Fall Day...

It's fall; a brilliant day, a brisk wind blowing.  Temperatures are dropping tonight and a chilling rain is expected tomorrow.  A quintessential Vermont fall day where the trees are bathed in light for one glorious moment in time.  All of us who live here know change is on the way.  Our mittens are ready, hot chocolate in the cupboard and wood stocked in piles for the long winter ahead.  But not yet.

And on this brilliant day, I sit inside; making lists, trying to make decisions, making one decision and then immediately changing my mind and making another.  And just as the leaves are falling past my window signaling change is upon us so I know change is coming to my life.  What that change will be exactly I still don't know.

I struggle.

The phone rings.  My brother is calling.  "Sounds as though you have a lot of drama in your life." he says.

"Yes, drama, that's correct." I say, I who am adverse to conflict and change of any kind.

"I feel sorry for you." he says.

"Thank you.  I feel sorry for myself." and I feel the tears which are always present now start to fall again.  My face is lined and weary from the tears that fall these days.

"You could leave but the horses keep you stuck." he says.

"Yes, they do.  They keep me stuck.  But they make me happy." And they do.

"You're paying a high price for them."

"Yes, I know." and it's true.  Without the horses, I dream I'd be on a Greek Isle or perhaps I'd be in the South Pacific sitting in an azure ocean letting warm water wash my cares away.

Without the horses, I'd be far away and have oh, so different a life.

But... I have the horses.

I hang up the phone and head out to the pasture on this quintessential Vermont fall day.  As soon as they see me, my four legged friends surround me sniffing my pockets, hoping for a treat.  "Nothing right now girls." and I head up to the top of the pasture to survey the world.  They follow behind.  My pack.  My posse.  My BFFs.  These four legged creatures that keep  me stuck and that I adore.

Up at the top of the pasture; orange and gold surround me and a hint of the red that will soon make its presence known.  It's the kind of beauty that is so fleeting and I think about how fortunate I am to live here on this beautiful Vermont farm on this quintessential fall day.

I think back to my childhood as those who are approaching their senior years tend to do.  My first word as a child wasn't Mama or Dada.  It was horse.  And as soon as I could toddle, I was sitting on the back of a horse and I knew I'd found my home.

And almost as quickly as I discovered horses, I discovered Vermont on a family vacation.  To a young horse crazy girl, Vermont was better than the Magic Kingdom.  Everywhere were farms and horses and from that day forward in my young life, when anyone would ask me what my plans were for my future, I'd say "I'm going to grow up and live on a farm in Vermont and have horses."

And my dream, though deferred, finally came true in my 50s.  I found my home on my Vermont farm and the horses soon followed.  My dream had come true.

But what happens when one person changes, when one person no longer wants the life you have and love and wants something more, something different and expects you to follow along?

I can tell you your heart can break with decisions.

I pray a lot these days.  I pray and then make lists and then I pray some more.

In the pasture with my beloved horses, I search for answers.

I'm not ready to leave.

My dream has come true and I'm living on a farm in Vermont on this quintessential fall day and for a moment, the world is ablaze with color.

And I lie on the ground and look up at the glistening blue sky searching for answers and while I cry, the breathing of my horses who are always by my side comforts me.  For a moment, once again, all is well.

A Fall Day

Yesterday, our local headlines blared "Freeze Warning."  The end of warm weather comes early in Northern Vermont.  And as the shadows lengthened and daylight faded, the air took on a definite chill.  While the wood stove blazed, warming the chilly corners of the house, I headed to my storage trunk and unpacked my fleece sheets and winter down comforter.  And when bedtime came, I opened my window and climbed into my cozy bed only to find my whippets already snuggled under the quilts; my very own little bed warmers.

The room was bathed in moonlight from an almost full moon and as I gazed out on the forest around me and listened to the coyotes sing their lonely night time song, the lyrics to "Golden Slumbers" by the Beatles fill my head, "Once there was a way to get back homeward, once there was a way to get back home.  Sleep pretty darling do not cry and I will sing a lullaby."  I fall asleep and don't waken again.

Dawn and the world is a frozen, crystal paradise - so beautiful in it's icy simplicity.  I let the horses out of the barn and watch them frolic energized by the clear air - no bugs to bother them, no fly spray necessary.  Yes, for the first time since last spring, there is ice on the water bucket.  Winter won't be far behind.

But not yet.  It's a beautiful day.  The sun is shining and it's just the day for a hike in the woods.  I decide to take my beloved jennet, Bella, as my companion.  Now I love hiking with the horses but they have a decidedly different energy.  Always curious, anxious to trot, to jump obstacles and always wondering when we are headed back to the barn, my horses are a delight but hiking with a donkey is like hiking with your best friend; no need to hurry, time for relaxation and observation along the way and plenty of time to meander and enjoy each other's company.  Yes, Bella would be my companion.

I've been so sad lately, so ill at ease in my own skin but as I head into the woods with the beginnings of fall encircling me, I can feel my sadness drop away.  There, the leaves are turning.

Here, there are branches newly fallen from a storm the other night.

We stop at an apple tree and we each have a snack.  I listen to Bella crunching her apple.  She licks her lips with her big donkey tongue savoring the tangy juice.  She's content and so am I.

I stop to take pictures.  Bella snacks on grasses.  It's a companionable silence we enjoy.

Time to head home.  We would both like to linger but there are chores waiting.

I marvel at the smallest of things - a forgotten bird's nest in a tree, the way the pasture hill rises to meet the sky, leaves starting to turn crimson.

I let Bella back out in the pasture and right away she starts calling for her friends, loud brays, and they come running.  She's embraced again by her herd.

Fall, in Vermont, a special time, when for a brief moment everything feels possible again.

In The Pasture...

I'm aching these days.  My body has crossed some invisible line of aging and my arthritic joints creak.  Oh,, and there's no sunshine.  Day after day of drabness comprises winter this year.  Until yesterday.  The sun decided to make a rare appearance and stay for the day and I decided it was time to find solace where I always do; in the pasture.

I climbed to the top of the hill not expecting to have any company.  The horses never travel far from the barn during winter.  I sat in the snow, gazed out over the beautiful mountains.  Lost in thought.  Alone but not for long.

Two of my mares decided to join me.

And it wasn't long before the rest followed and what happened then filled my heart with joy.  The girls decided to engage in a game of chase, running, kicking, twirling before ending up back at me.  It was as if I were home base in a game of tag.

I've decided I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.  My hope is that if your spirits are low and you are burdened, you will be able to lose yourself for just one moment in the joy of the mares as they play on a beautiful Vermont day.

We're all done playing and it's time for evening chores but the experience I've had this afternoon will stay with me forever.  Yes, I ache and yes, I'm aging.  But I promise myself to never close my eyes to the beauty that surrounds me and the joy in the simple things.

Thank you for joining my Horses In The Pasture on a beautiful winter day.